New Year, New Start
by Cats070911
Summary: After deliberately pushing Tommy away, on a whim Barbara drives to Nanrunnel to watch him from afar during the New Year Fireworks. She should have known it would never be that simple. I re-jigged Chapter 3 to be more appropriate.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all usual disclaimers apply. A New Year's story for you. It is little early, but we have visitors over NY. It is M-rated only for one paragraph in Chapter 3, which yes, is a sex scene, but is not graphic.

I hope 2018 is a terrific year for all of you.

* * *

"The petrol is £22.30, the chocolate bar is £1.80, and the coffee £1.25. That'll be £25.35 please, love. Where are you headed?"

"Nanrunnel." Barbara Havers touched her credit card against the machine reader on the counter and was relieved to see it was approved.

"Nice area. It's only about an hour from here. There's been some snow, but you should get through okay."

"Thanks." Barbara turned to go. As an afterthought, she turned back. "Happy New Year."

"Same to you, love."

The wind was biting. Barbara unlocked her car as quickly as she could. She shrugged off her coat, threw it on the seat beside her then hopped in the driver's seat. Clapping her gloved hands together to stimulate circulation, she opened her coffee and took a sip. It was warm, even if it did taste like the coffee beans had walked over it on stilts.

"Why am I doing this?"

There was no one to answer her - she was as alone as she felt. After a restless Christmas, she needed to do something. She missed her old boss, Tommy Lynley, and regretted not keeping in contact. Tommy had tried. For months he had rung, texted, sent emails and had even sent flowers for her birthday. She had treasured every connection and saved the texts and emails. Reading through them late at night often gave her the comfort of his friendship even though she had deliberately minimised her replies, answered cursorily, and had ignored several of them. Eventually his messages had slowed. The last one was early November telling her that he had accepted that she no longer wanted him in her life and would not contact her again. Barbara had cried. It was the end she had thought she wanted, but the hurt in his tone made her want to take it all back. Only that was impossible. "How do you tell your best friend you're in love with him?"

Her plan, if it could be labelled a plan, was simple. Barbara would drive to Nanrunnel for the annual New Year's Eve Fair which concluded with midnight fireworks on the beach. In his role as the Eighth Earl of Asherton, the lord of the estate on which Nanrunnel sat, Tommy paid for champagne for everyone to toast the new year. Having been twice before as Tommy's guest, she knew where to stand unseen to observe him. There was a hill just above the town that looked over the harbour and the small stone pier where the official party always stood.

She had almost convinced herself that she did not want to speak to him. Of course that was untrue, but she could hardly admit to spying on him, nor could she ever explain why she had allowed their friendship to fizzle out.

Her coffee finished, Barbara opened her chocolate, broke it into pieces so she could nibble on the way, and pulled out onto the coast road.

* * *

Barbara arrived in Nanrunnel just after half past six. There was a faint trace of white on the grey slate roof tiles, but no sign of snow on the road. Men in orange safety vests were erecting barriers to block the main streets near the beach. Stallholders were setting up tables to display their wares, and the publican was preparing a spit roast on the footpath outside his pub. People dashed around moving boxes, arranging lights and sweeping the horse droppings off the cobbles. Even in her car, Barbara could feel the buzz and excitement.

The reality of her lack of planning hit her. She had driven nearly seven hours to watch the man she loved for probably no more than ten minutes. She had no accommodation booked and had no clothes other than what she was wearing. After midnight she would be too tired to drive. She sighed. She would be sleeping in her car. Her police mind soon canvassed the issues. Nanrunnel was a safe place with virtually no crime, but the best place would be away from any drunken partygoers. Alcohol, the promise of a new year, and the excitement of fireworks could be a dangerous mix. She decided to stay in the open area behind the church. Churchyards were not places people wandered through at New Year.

Barbara parked the car under the church's sprawling oak, then strolled down the hill towards the beach. Noticing a line of portable toilets under the trees across from the pub, Barbara headed for them. There was a small queue, so while she waited, she looked around. The crowd was beginning to build. A banner hanging across the street advertised that the fair officially started at seven o'clock with the Nanrunnel school choir and marching band. Stray notes, raucous squawks and strange screeches that sounded like someone torturing an alien, emanated from a tent in the schoolyard as clarinets, flutes and possibly a saxophone warmed up.

There was only one more person ahead of her. Barbara hopped from foot to foot. The watery coffee had worked its way through. She was facing the toilets, looking away from the pub, when she heard a familiar laugh. Tommy!

Instinctively she turned. Lynley was standing at the door of the pub talking to someone inside. Tanned, trimmer and with a neat beard, he looked different but still as handsome as ever. He was dressed casually in jeans and a thick, rolled-necked jumper that made him look like a farmer.

"You going in or just standing gawking?"

"Sorry." Barbara stepped aside to let the woman behind her into the porta-loo.

Barbara continued to stare across the road. She missed him. Seeing him eased one pain, but created a far bigger one. He stepped into the open and Barbara's stomach fell as if she had swallowed a ten-pound leaden weight. The woman, whose waist Tommy's arm was around, was stunning and everything Barbara was not - brunette, with perky young breasts, a smile that covered half her face, heir-bearing hips, and legs that probably featured in magazine shoots for luxury silk stockings.

Barbara felt her face flush with embarrassment. Even though she had never intended to speak to him, she felt foolish. Of course, he would have moved on from her, not that they were ever lovers. Naturally, he would have a woman, a gorgeous woman, on his arm. He looked happy. She was glad he had found someone, despite her aching loneliness.

"All yours, love." A burly man with a thick beard emerged from one of the toilets. Barbara smiled and walked past him, gagging when an overwhelming stench of salt and fish assaulted her.

She stole one last look at Tommy and sighed. Having seen what she came for, she did not need to stay for the fireworks. It was only a couple of hours to Bristol where they would be able to find a cheap room in a pub.

* * *

Tommy felt her presence before he saw her. Desperately he searched the crowd. Unable to see her, he shook his head. It was ludicrous to think Barbara would be here, but for a moment he had hoped.

"Ready to go, Tommy?" Tamara asked.

"Sure." He did one final scan. His heart stopped. "Barbara!"

Stepping out of one of the blue and white plastic toilets, was a familiar sight. Dressed in her usual jacket, jeans, and cheap trainers, Barbara was unmistakable. Hearing her name, she looked up, then turned away and hurried towards the church. Tommy was confused. Why come here if she did not want to talk to him?

"Barbara, wait!"

Tommy ran after her. She glanced back then broke into a run. "Sergeant Havers, stop there." Surprised that she slowed, Tommy dashed across the road and up the lane towards the church. He caught up with her at the lychgate. "Why did you run?"

Barbara turned to face him. "Hiya."

They stood staring at each other. He had so many questions but no idea where to start. "So, you came for the fireworks?"

Barbara watched the ground as she scuffed the toe of her shoe on the cobblestones. "Yeah."

"You must be expecting a more impressive display than London to drive down here. Where are you staying?"

"I'm not. I was just passing and needed the bathroom."

"No one just passes through Nanrunnel. It's miles from the main highway."

"I got lost."

"So it seems. You've lost a lot of things this year, my phone number for one."

His bitterness made her look up. They stared at each other, trying to find a way forward.

The uneven flop of high heels on cobbles intruded on their silent conversation. Tamara steadied herself by grabbing Lynley's arm. "Here you are, Tommy. I wondered why you ran off."

"Tamara, I'd like you to meet Barbara Havers. Barbara, this is Tamara Bennett, my future..."

"Barbara?" Tamara almost shouted before she tried to embrace Barbara who took a big step backwards to avoid her arms. Tamara recovered seamlessly by extending her hand. "Oh, how wonderful to meet you."

"Nice to meet you." Barbara's tone amused Tommy. He could tell she meant the opposite.

"Barbara was just telling me she came down for the fireworks."

"Really? From London? Did you know, Tommy?"

"No, I haven't heard from Barbara for nearly three months."

He observed his ex-partner's reaction. She winced and could not look him in the eye. "You know what London can be like," she mumbled. "How's your mother?"

"Better, thank you, but it was the right thing to do coming back."

"Yeah, of course." Barbara still could not look at him.

Tommy turned to Tamara. "Did you know I asked Barbara to come down here too? She was offered a role as Detective Inspector with the Cornwall Constabulary but preferred to stay a Sergeant in London."

"No, I had no idea," Tamara said. "You don't like it here?"

"It wasn't that," Barbara said as she shifted her weight to her other foot. "I'm a Londoner. I'd be lost down here."

"And how is your new DI?" Tommy asked. He knew from Winston Nkata that Barbara was clashing badly with Robbie Turner, and was miserable.

"Yeah, good."

"I'm glad. I would have hated for you to have the same issues you had before we were partnered."

Tommy despised himself for taking satisfaction from her predicament, but she had hurt him badly by rebuffing his friendship. Surely she understood he had no choice? The estate and the charities did not run themselves. Someone had to step in. As earl, it was his duty. He had hoped Barbara would join him, believing the role as DI would tempt her. He had offered for her to stay with him until she settled in. He had planned to use the time to convince her that Howenstowe was where she belonged.

Barbara glared at him. Her eyes were ringed by pain and anger. They stood staring at each other. The feelings he had for her, the ones he had tried to suppress, surged back. Having her here was confusing. He needed to be alone with her so they could talk.

Tamara seemed to sense the awkwardness of their silence. "Let's go back. The fair is about to start."

Barbara shook her head. "No, thanks anyway, Tamara, but I was just leaving."

Tamara looked at Tommy then Barbara. Their eyes had not left the others. "Nonsense, you are coming with us. Are you staying at Howenstowe tonight?"

Barbara's eyes opened in alarm. She shook her head. "No."

Tamara turned to Tommy. "Where are your manners? Barbara drives over six hours, and you don't insist she stays with us?"

"I... Barbara has other plans it seems."

Tamara's eyes narrowed. She looked straight at Barbara. "Then change them. You're staying with us."

Tommy tried to hide a smile. Barbara looked at him for help, almost pleading. If she did not want to stay, he was not going to imprison her. She had trampled over his emotions enough this year.

"Let her go, Tam. Barbara is always welcome to stay. She knows that. If she has other plans..." He shrugged. "Nice to see you again, Barbara." He turned and began to walk down the hill.

* * *

Barbara felt her heart thumping in her chest. Her head said to walk away. Her heart stubbornly argued to stay. She did not her last memory of him to be watching him walk away. "Sir!"

Tommy stopped but did not turn. She walked down towards him. "I'm sorry."

"For what? Coming down today? Not staying? Ignoring me? Making me feel guilty for choosing Mother and Howenstowe over you?"

"I don't want to upset you, Sir."

"Well, you're about six months too late for that. And stop calling me Sir. I'm not your boss now."

Barbara was about to call him Tommy when Tamara arrived. Her short skirt was too tight around the thighs for quick movements. Again she stayed upright on her ridiculously thin heels by leaning on Tommy. When her arm linked with his, Barbara noticed the ring. As bold and boisterous as the owner, the over-sized diamond sparkled in the light. The lead weight in Barbara's stomach moved to her bowels, making her feel physically ill.

"Sorry, this was a bad idea. I hope you'll both be very happy."

Tommy and Tamara looked at each other and frowned. Barbara could not take any more. She turned but ran straight into the chest of a man. Barbara shoved him away.

"Barbara? How wonderful!"

She looked up. "Peter?"

"The one and only. I see you've met Tamara, my fiancée."

" _Your_ fiancée?"

"Yes. I never thought I would ever be this happy." Peter turned and smiled at Tamara who hurried to his side. They kissed passionately.

Barbara looked at Tommy who smiled and shrugged. "Why don't you two go and enjoy the fair?" he said to the lovers. "Barbara and I have some catching up to do."

Peter winked at his brother. "I'll bet you do. See you at the fireworks, Barbara."


	2. Chapter 2

After Tamara and Peter headed towards the market stalls, Tommy and Barbara stood looking at each other. Barbara bit her bottom lip. He pushed his hair out of his eye then ran his thumb and forefinger over his beard. "Fancy a pint?"

"Nah, thanks anyway but I should get going."

"Not yet. We should... catch up."

"I really should go. It's a long drive."

Tommy lifted his shoulders. "Where are you headed?"

"Back to London."

"Tonight? It'll take seven hours or more. You won't get there until after midnight and then you'll have to deal with all the New Years traffic."

Barbara did not look at him. "I'll probably stay in Bristol overnight."

"Stay here."

She shook her head. "I shouldn't have come."

"Why did you?"

She shrugged. "Dunno."

"Nobody drives this far without reason, Barbara. I know you didn't plan on bumping into me, but you have, so don't you think that we should talk? Something happened, and I want to understand what I did to upset you so much that you wouldn't talk to me."

"Nothing happened. Long distance friendships are hard to maintain."

"Only if you don't talk to each other."

He feared that she had found someone else who now satisfied the emotional needs he had once filled. Winston had assured him Barbara showed no signs of having a boyfriend and had been as miserable as a wet dog with fleas since he had left. Tommy was unconvinced. There had to be a reason, a decent reason, to abandon the connection they had shared. He had gambled in November that his promise not to contact her again would result in a visit like this, searching for a way out their hole and back to bickering and supporting each other. He had almost given up hope. Now she was here, but it was clear she was not going to break down the first barrier.

"I've missed you, Barbara. Terribly. More than you can imagine. It hurt when you no longer wanted to be friends. Then you turn up here, but you won't talk to me. What's going on?"

"I made a mistake coming. I'm sorry."

She turned to walk away. Tommy caught her by the elbow and held her firm. "It's not a mistake. Not if you talk to me. You cut me off without a chance to undo whatever I did. I can't fix what I don't understand."

"You can't fix it. It's not you; it's me."

Tommy snorted and released her arm. "That's a meaningless cliche, and you know it. If it wasn't me, then I think you at least owe me an explanation."

"Nothing to explain. I... It was just... I never wanted not to be friends... it was just... too hard with you down here."

"You could have changed your mind and come down too. Cornwall is still keen to get you as DI."

She shook her head. "It wouldn't be the same."

"Is the Met the same? Do you love your job, Barbara?"

She looked up. Her expression was like an animal that had just been shot and was waiting for the hunter to finish her off. "No, it's not the same," she snarled. "I hate it. Satisfied?"

Tommy shook his head. "No, I'm not. I'm sorry, that was unnecessary."

She shrugged. "Yeah, well. I should go."

"Stay. Please. We need to talk."

"What's the point?"

"If you didn't care about our friendship, you wouldn't be here. Having invested a day driving here, don't you owe it to yourself to at least talk to me about it."

"I just wanted to see that you were okay."

"I'm not because I thought you and I..."

"We were workmates. No work, no mates."

"Barbara!"

"What? It's true. The only thing we had in common was the criminals we chased. We're different people, have different lives, different needs."

"Then why are you here? If I was only ever a work chum, would you drive 300 miles just to see if I looked okay?"

Barbara looked down. "I don't know. Maybe I just had to tell myself it was over."

Tommy raked his fingers through his hair. "Over? It can never be over."

"It has to be. We can't..."

"You know the one thing that kept me sane on far too many occasions was the belief that you'd always be there. I know I abused that at times, too many times. And I'm sorry. But I always believed our bond would never break. When you cut me off, it was like losing part of myself. I need to fix this, or at least understand why."

"I don't have an answer."

"We were always good at working things out together. Just talk to me, Barbara. Please."

She looked away. "I can't."

Tommy slumped back against the wall, devoid of ideas. If he said what he wanted to say she would run. He took a deep breath. "What if we try this conversation again?"

"How'd you mean?"

"Hello, Barbara. Fancy meeting you here. Do you fancy a pint for old times sake?"

For the first time today, she grinned and shook her head then sighed and turned her face towards the sky. He could tell she was wrestling with everything. "One pint."

* * *

Coming here had been a terrible idea. Seeing Tommy aroused every emotion possible. Within milliseconds Barbara oscillated between wanting to shout at him and commit acts of physical violence, to needing his arms around her, keeping her safe from not only the world but herself. Underpinning both was a fascination to feel his new beard against the skin of her back and to do unspeakable things to his body. It looked trimmer and fitter under his jumper. Seeing him every day had kept her carnal desires simmering, and distance had suppressed them. Smelling his aftershave again, as he sat within arms reach, and listening to his rich, rounded vowels transported her back to the hours they had spent in his car. Being with him now was like being home. It was warm, safe, and cosily familiar. It was also dangerous. The threat of loss if she overstepped the line between professionalism and friendship no longer checked her behaviour. His voice, his smile, the mysterious glint in his eyes magnified by his embarrassed need for glasses to read the menu, all drew her in. She studied his face carefully, filing it in her memory alongside hundreds of other images of him she could draw on when she needed to feel less alone.

"Barbara?"

"Oh, sorry. I missed that."

"Would you like another pint?"

She nodded. "I can't drive now anyway."

Tommy did not hide his smile. "I did not deliberately get you drunk if that's what you're saying, but there is always a bed for you at Howenstowe."

She nodded. "Ta. I can still sleep in my car." His look made her laugh. "But your bed would be much better."

"It would." Tommy gave her a cheeky, happy, almost seductive smile.

Barbara's face darkened when she realised what she had said. "Where's this pint?"

While he lined up at the crowded bar, Barbara muttered to herself, reinforcing her need to stay detached.

* * *

Tommy watched her as he waited. This was their sixth, or maybe seventh, pint. Barbara had said one, then bought the second herself. Their conversation had been a little stilted at first, but they relaxed into familiar patterns once they started talking about the everyday minutiae of their time apart. The hours had passed quickly, as had their anger and fear. He had Barbara back, and he was not going to let her go, no matter how hard she wriggled and squirmed. He smiled at that image. Friendship first, but some physical wriggling and squirming were definitely on his agenda too.

It was clear that Barbara had lost the passion for her job. Robbie Turner was only interested in Robbie Turner, not justice for victims, or the welfare of his team. Barbara's descriptions of his tactics and behaviours angered him, but he stayed calm. She needed a sounding board and a friend to vent to, not a knight in shining armour riding in to save her. And probably not him pushing for her to transfer to the Cornwall Constabulary. Not yet.

He pondered her last statement. He knew she meant his spare bed, and she had not been attempting to be suggestive or bawdy. But as Freud said, innocent comments often reveal more truth, especially under the influence of alcohol.

Barbara was an enigma. Most women fawned over him, or more accurately his looks, his wallet or his title. She had never done that, but tonight, even though she tried to hide it, there were new, subtle signals that gave him hope that she reciprocated his feelings even if she did not know that herself yet.

"There you go," he said as he put the pint on the table. "Cheers."

"Cheers. What's the time? Am I keeping you from lordy things?"

Tommy grinned. "Lordy things? Not really. I normally mingle and talk to people before the fireworks. It's ten after eleven now. I don't think they will miss me. We can drink this and walk down to the pier."

"I'm not going with you."

"Why not?"

She shook her head. "I don't want the attention, Tommy."

It was the first time she had called him by name. He was delighted at that but dismayed at her sudden withdrawal. "Everyone will be looking at the fireworks," he said trying to reassure her. "You can't miss the fireworks. They cost me a small fortune."

"I meant your mother, and Peter and Tamara. I just came down to see if you were okay, not to intrude."

"You're _my_ guest. You are not intruding on anything. They will welcome you."

"Tommy, they must know I mistreated you, that I hurt you by pushing you away. You said as much earlier. I don't want them to think I am... changing anything, or about to hurt you again. I'm going back to London tomorrow. I'm not going to cut you off again, but it's not like we can ever go back to what we were."

"We can. We proved that tonight. The job down here is still..."

Barbara out her hand up and silenced him. "No. I will watch the fireworks, just as I planned. Then I will stay in my car and drive home tomorrow. I knew talking to you would be a mistake."

Barbara stood and rushed out of the door. He slammed his fist on the table and swore.

* * *

Using her police training, Barbara melted into the crowd. Tommy would follow her, and he had the skills to find her. She only had to evade him until it was time to give his speech and countdown the new year. With poorly chosen words, she had hurt and angered her again. It was an unintended consequence. They were far from drunk, but if she had not stopped it there...

Winding in and out of the stalls, she knew he had little chance of finding her. At twenty to midnight, Barbara saw Tommy head to the pier. He was talking to his mother and Peter. Dorothy put her hand on his arm in an unmistakable gesture of comfort.

"I'm sorry, Tommy. I should never have come down."

"Sorry, love?" Barbara turned. An elderly man with a cane was walking arm-in-arm with his wife. The couple exchanged only a quick glance, but their love for each other was palpable.

"Oh, nothing. Sorry. I was just talking to myself."

The woman looked across and smiled. "A man?" Barbara nodded. "If you think he's worth it, fight for him. My Tommy here was worth every tear."

"He's worth it. I'm the one who doesn't deserve him."

The old man shook his head. "I reckon he'd say the same thing. Love doesn't exist without risk. But the rewards..." He gave his wife a quick kiss. "Are worth it."

Barbara smiled, then turned and fled. She began to head for her car, knowing that she should not drive, but needing to get away. Fifty yards from the churchyard she stopped. It had never been clear in her mind why she wanted to come down here, but now it struck her. The new year was a new start, a Tommyless start. But to start, she also had to finish. Barbara turned back and found the path up the hill.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note:** I moderated the chapter to return to T rating, which I felt was more fitting. I promised Tess an M story in 2018 as penance for getting her hopes up.

* * *

"Here you are. I was beginning to think you had already left."

"Sir! How?"

"It's where we watched them that first year, after Helen died. You can see and hear everything but hide from the world. It's the logical place you would come to watch me."

Barbara laughed to herself and shook her head. "You know me too well."

"Not well enough. Otherwise we wouldn't still get tangled up trying to talk about things."

"Tommy, please. I can't do more of that tonight. I had more to drink than I intended and..."

"It's okay." Tommy extended his hand. "Come here, Barbara. Let's watch the fireworks together."

He half expected her to run again, but she slowly moved forward, stopping next to him but keeping a safe distance. Her hands were deep in her pockets, holding her jacket around her. Even in the dim light, Tommy could see she was shaking. He understood what is was like to be lonely, scared and confused.

On the pier, his mother began her speech, her voice sounding distorted and scratchy through the PA system. Thanking everyone for coming, she quickly explained that Tommy was here tonight, but wanted to see the new year in from a different perspective.

"I've missed this," he said quietly as he moved closer. "Just you and me, standing together, ignoring the world."

"Yeah, me too." Her voice was shaky and when her eyes caught the lights from the town, Tommy could see she was close to tears. He moved so he was standing next to her.

"One being strong when the other needs it."

Barbara nodded. "Both being idiots."

Tommy grinned at her. "That too."

His mother's voice momentarily hushed the crowd. "Ten..."

The crowd joined in. "Nine..."

"Eight..." he said as he put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her against him. "Seven..."

"Six..." Barbara joined him in the countdown.

Together they counted in the New Year. "Five... four... three... two... one..."

"Happy New Year, Barbara."

Below them boat horns sounded, the crowd was cheering and clapping, and the first of the fireworks burst into the clear night sky in a flash of gold.

She smiled she looked up at him. Some of the tension in her body softened. "Yeah, Happy New Year, Tommy."

"The new year can be our new start, Barbara."

"Tommy..."

He did not give her any opportunity to object. His arm tightened around her as he bent down and kissed her. The worst that could happen was that she would slap him. The best would be if she kissed him back.

The next few seconds seemed like an eternity in Purgatory. Her soft lips made his whole body surge in a rush of long-hidden need, but not knowing if it would be returned, his heart beat erratically. The longer Barbara paused doing nothing, the more he feared he had made a terrible blunder. He pulled away.

About to drop his arm from her shoulder, he felt her snuggle into his side. He caressed her arm with his hand as they stood silently watching the fireworks. He knew the sequence and when the last three shells burst skyward in a rainbow of colour, he turned to her. "I should have told you months ago, before I asked you to join me here. I'm in love with you, Barbara."

* * *

Barbara closed her eyes then opened them. This was not an ending. Nor was it the start of a Tommyless year. He meant it. She had seen in his eyes the same sincere look he had given her once before in her flat. There was no point denying her feelings, but when she tried to speak, the only sound was a croak.

She closed her eyes again and pressed her face against his chest. His arms enveloped her in a warm, comforting hug. "It's okay, Barbara."

Tommy's heart thumped against her ear. Gradually, it settled into a rhythm that soothed her mind. While she focussed on his heart she did not have to think about what any of this meant. When she tried to put her arms around him, her hands were trapped inside her coat. She shook furiously to free them.

"Hey, relax." Tommy moved his hips back so that her coat hung more freely. She pulled her hands clear. Instead of embracing him, she grabbed fistfuls of his jumper and pulled him down to her. Her kiss was clumsy, missing most of his mouth. He adjusted and kissed her again. Barbara froze, uncertain how to respond.

"Sorry, I'm no good at this," she said moving away. "I love you, Tommy, but there's no point in trying to love me. I run away, I can't kiss properly, I... What?"

He had a lopsided grin and those eyes were soft and happy. "You said you love me."

"Yeah. Loving you has never been my problem. I thought that part had been bloody obvious for years."

"No. I hoped, but I never knew for sure. And when you refused to talk to me... well, I assumed the worst. So if we love each other, what is your problem, as you put it?"

"I won't satisfy you. You'll stop loving me..."

"I won't."

"And I'll be devastated."

Tommy lifted her chin. "Oh, Barbara. I thought it was me that overthought everything and created problems before they exist."

"Maybe I learnt it from you."

"Just as I learnt from you that anything worth having is worth working for and fighting for. You do satisfy me and I won't stop loving you."

"You can't know that."

"I can. Barbara nothing in life is risk free. If we waited for that no one would ever move forward. All love is a risk because you have to allow yourself to be true and that means being imperfect, being vulnerable."

"I met a couple in the market. They said something similar."

"Nanrunnel people are wise and practical. I'm hoping you will learn that first hand."

"You never give up do you?"

"No. I believe in you. I believe in us. You make me believe in myself. Love is far more than a perfect kiss. That will come with time, when we stop trying to be what we think the other wants, and just be ourselves."

"Even gawky, and inexperienced?"

"Yes, Barbara, you are the only person I need. The likes of Tamara suit some, but not me. Avoiding me guarantees you will be miserable. At least give us a chance to be happy."

* * *

Barbara nodded. Tommy knew that he needed to take everything slowly. This time his kiss was soft and undemanding. He left his lips just touching hers, waiting to see if she kissed him back. She surprised him with how hard she kissed him.

A cold wind began to buffet them. "We should head home, Barbara. They were predicting a storm."

"Neither of us should drive. Maybe you could pull some strings and get rooms at the pub?"

"Let's walk. It's only a couple of miles along the coast path. We'll be ahead of the storm. I don't feel like being with other people yet."

Tommy took her hand and led her down the hill. They ducked behind the row of stone houses lining the main street, and made their way onto the coastal path beyond the harbour. In the moonlight, the harbour twinkled as it reflected the night sky.

Barbara stopped. "Tommy?"

"Are you okay?"

"I don't want to go to Howenstowe. I can't face anyone. Not yet. And... I don't want to be alone in a room there."

"I didn't intend for you to be alone..."

"I... don't think I could do that either, knowing your family were there. I'm not even sure I'm ready to... you know what I'm trying to say, don't you?"

Tommy squeezed her hand. "That's okay, Barbara. I wasn't taking you there to seduce you. I just want to be with you. I'll stay on the floor if that's what you want."

"No, I..."

Tommy wrapped his arms around her. "Don't overthink it. I have an idea where we can stay. It's not luxurious, but it's clean and comfortable, and private."

"Perfect."

"This way."

* * *

Tommy led her along the coastal path until they were about three-quarters of a mile past the town. He then turned towards the sea along a small well-worn track that descended steeply. Ahead in small cove was was the moonlit outline of a small cottage.

Barbara stared at the single storey building. It sat on a flat piece of ground above the beach and was protected from the waves by a stone wall identical to the blonde stonework of the house. Simple in design, there were two front checker-paned windows separated by a thick wooden door which looked like it was held together only by its many coats of paint. Ivy covered one of the end walls and had extended its tentacles along a third of the steep slate roof.

"It's beautiful," she said.

"It belonged to Widow Tremayne. Her husband was a fisherman who drowned at sea in a bad storm when I was a child. She passed on last year and the house reverted to the estate. I had it renovated to rent out as a holiday house, but there's not much demand in winter. It's very simple inside."

Tommy fished for the key on the lintel above one of the windows. Barbara laughed when he proudly held up an old skeleton style key. When he opened the door, Barbara gasped. The cottage had a small entrance hall. Through the doorway on the left she could see a period four-poster bed covered in white linen and colourful cushions. On the right, Tommy led her through a doorless arch framed by rough hewn timbers into a cosy, whitewashed lounge room. A brick fireplace with a large carved timber mantel dominated the room. The only furniture was a large cream couch, a side table and a rug.

She stared at the exposed beams traversing the ceiling. "This is perfect, the sort of place I could live in."

"Then we will."

"We?"

"Why not? If it means you'll move here to be with me."

Barbara was about to object, but she actually liked the idea. "Won't everyone expect you to live in the big house?"

"Mother's still there. Peter seems to have taken up permanent residence with Tamara in the East Wing. I'd still be close enough to run the estate and keep on top of everything."

"What about the income you'd lose not renting it out?"

"I won't miss it. And you could rent out your flat. It's only twenty minutes into St Ives for your work. It'd be perfect."

Barbara looked down at the carpet. "And if I didn't want to work any more?"

Tommy put his arms around her waist and pulled her close. "Then we could spend mornings in bed, afternoons in the sea and evenings making love by a fire on the beach."

Barbara put her arms around him. "That is tempting."

Tommy drew her closer. "So is making love in here, on the rug, on the couch..."

"I'm still..."

"Apprehensive?"

"Scared witless more like. I should tell you upfront, I've only done it once before. Well, actually twice, but it was the same night. I wasn't very good at it."

"I'll take care of you, I promise."

"But it's not fair on you."

"Barbara, stop arguing and just kiss me."

* * *

As Barbara slept peacefully in his arms, Tommy could not stop smiling. Dawn was about to break, and he was yet to get any sleep. Her fears had been totally unfounded. He had expected her to be shy and scared. Once his lips had finally persuaded hers apart and they had kissed intimately, her inhibitions eased. She had eagerly explored his body and allowed him to caress, nuzzle and kiss his way across hers. She had held her breath as he had kissed her scars. After that, her last resistance had fallen.

Every woman he had slept with paled in comparison. Barbara made love the way she did everything else - with brutal honesty, hard work, and intelligence. She had made him feel loved and wanted in a way he never knew was possible. He had been proud to be the first man to truly make love to her. Hearing her calling out for him and feeling her body respond to wave after wave of pleasure strengthened his ego, but also made him understand what a gift it was for her to surrender herself and be vulnerable.

Tommy understood for the first time that he had always focussed on form and obligation. With Barbara, he did not have to concentrate on satisfying her. That happened naturally, just as she effortlessly managed to meet physical, emotional and spiritual needs he had not even realised he had.

Barbara stirred. "Tommy?"

He kissed the top of her head. "Mmm?"

"Remember in Cambridge when you let me watch you shower?"

He laughed softly. "Yes. I'm sorry. I remember that I wanted to see your reaction. I was trying to embarrass you. I found it..."

"Arousing?"

"A bit, I'm ashamed to say."

"So did I. Is there a bath towel here?"

"Of course, why?"

"Get up and put it on. We have unfinished business." She whispered in his ear exactly what she intended to do.

"Barbara!"

She reached across the sheet. "You want it as much as me."

He pulled her over on top of him. "I do. Always. I love you, Barbara Havers. This year is going to be wonderful."

"It is. A new year, a new start. I love you too, Tommy Lynley. Now about that towel..."


End file.
